Planet Yoga

Since giving birth to my daughter five months ago, I have been engaged in a struggle to lose the baby weight. During pregnancy, I gained a total of 26 pounds. To my surprise, I only lost seven of those pounds after the birth! That's right, seven!! My baby was 6 lbs 13 oz, so apparently the placenta, amniotic fluid and extra water weight all add up to a whopping 3 ounces. That doesn't seem right you say? Well tell that to my scale! I tried to blame it on the milk but that logic made even less sense. Not even Dolly Parton has 19 pounds in her bra. So I entered a state of denial and decided the weight would fall off by itself. After all, it built up by itself...right???

To my dismay, my plan of doing nothing didn't work. 90 days post birth I was still 12 pounds too heavy. After accusing my doctor of forgetting to deliver my 12 pound placenta, I decided to get off  my big booty and figure out a fitness plan.

I live a hop skip and a jump away from Yoga Works, so I decided to join. My first impression of 'yoga people' is that they are different. They walk different, they talk different, they look different...THEY ARE NOT OF THIS WORLD. They are from a much cleaner, softer, breathier, and calmer place. I liked this place, I liked them. I wanted to acclimate myself to this peaceful environment and fool them into thinking I belonged there too.

So I watched and learned. They speak in a soft and peaceful manner with their eyes half shut and their chests perched out as if to not fully release their breath until the very last moment possible (Oxygen is very rare on their planet). When they walk they have a grand stride, where they minimize the bend in their knees and shrug their shoulders back while delicately floating across the floor. When they stretch they are able to dislocate all joints and even snap their spine in two all while savoring each and every precious breath together in harmony.

This is equivalent to shaking hands

Did I mention the breathing? These aliens looooove to breathe. They inhale very loudly through their nose for an inexplicable amount of time then proceed to moan in a chanting octave for approximately 27.6 minutes until they finally run out of breath. The leader always goes the longest (I believe they call this a hum).

Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I am proud to say that I am now a citizen of the planet Yoga. When I enter the world that is Yoga Works I immediately transform into a native. I suddenly stand taller, I walk with more grace, and I speak in a breathy (yet sexy) tone only known to those like me. My body now positions itself into pretzel like poses and I feel the harshness of the world disappear with each breath I take in. The best part: I am 2 pounds away from my goal! Thank you to my new alien friends! ET phone home!

This is how they sleep

Namaste (/ˈnɑːməsteɪ/nah-məs-tay; Hindi: [nəməsteː] ( listen); Devanagari: नमस्ते; formal: Namaskar/Namaskaram) is a common spokenvalediction or salutation originating from the Indian subcontinent. It is a customary greeting when individuals meet, and a valediction upon their parting. A non-contact form of salutation is traditionally preferred in India and Namaste is the most common form of such a salutation.