Side by Side

The honeymoon period. That time in your marriage that fills you with love, lust, hope, passion, dreams, butterflies, and joy. Nothing could bring you down, you are happy, and it’s going to stay that way. ‘I’ve met my match’, you think to yourself, ‘my soul mate’, my ‘best friend’, the one. Then why is it that so many couples who start out this way end up divorced sometime down the road? What happened to that kissy faced, snuggle bunny feeling that once was so strong that you could barely keep your clothes on? Let’s think about that.

Newly married couples tend to do certain things that create change, but also settle the union of your lives together. Such things like, join bank accounts and manage finances, buy a home, run a household, start a family, and oh yes…share a bathroom. All of these activities are milestones in relationships, and they could bring you to a deeper part of intimacy. However, they are by no means romantic. In fact they cause change, which brings stress, and stress creates tension, tension can stir up anger, and with anger you have resentment and blame. Who do you turn your blame to? Well of course it’s that person who caused you to shake up your happy life in the first place, that ‘best friend’, that ‘soulmate’ your… ‘one’.

“I’m not happy anymore”

“You’re not the same person you used to be”

“We’ve grown apart”

 

Boom. Just like that it’s time to trade in that mistake of a marriage for the next love cycle that comes along.

Studies show that the butterfly feeling, or, the honeymoon period, lasts for about 18months tops. Then you find yourself faced with this person who has differing opinions, different habits, and different interests. You know, any person that’s not you. (How dare they think carrots should be steamed and not broiled! Ugh we have nothing in common!)

The true test of a marriage is when you can partner up with this person you’ve committed to and take on the worlds problems together. And by the worlds problems I mean when you accidentally dent his car, or when he shrinks your favorite jeans. How will you as a couple deal with the ordinary and extraordinary stressors that life will undoubtedly throw your way?

This leads me to my mothers’ advice to me when I got married. She is a wise woman, who was married to my dad for 26 years until death parted them. She considers her marriage a passion filled adventure with many years of fights, love, breakups, make-ups, laughs, tears, tragedies, and victories. They were not perfect, but they stuck by one another through every high, and every pitfall. How did they do it? Well here it is. She simply stated “Once we were sick of looking at each other face to face, we stood solidly side by side.” Huh? Ma, what the heck does that mean?

Turns out she had some sound advice. The “face to face” term refers to the fleeting honeymoon period, and the “side by side” term represents the lasting partnership that they were committed to.

Marriage takes effort on both ends to maintain and flourish. Life is filled with opportunities to grow and succeed which requires both parties to stand up next to each other with full support. Of course the face to face part should find it’s way in from time to time, but that’s not what holds the union strong. Love has many facets and doesn’t always come with a big red bow, but when it’s really there, it doesn’t die.

                                                Thanks for the advice mommy!