My Pottery Barn Husband

I'd like to begin with this statement: I love my husband, he is the most amazing man I've ever met and I will never dream of another. He is charming like a snake and sexy as a beast!

Ok, now I can divulge in to his dirty little secret.

When Sean and I were married we moved into an adorable little single bedroom apartment. It was cozy and quaint and offered us just what we needed in order to save for our first house. We had a plan, a very well thought out plan of how our future would map out. We would live small, work hard, and save save save in order to purchase a home in a few years and begin a family. Then a surprise visitor entered our lives. A tiny little bump in my belly that would soon turn into a person. A real live person that required food and shelter. We were now on to plan B: Hurry up and find a house before I become too big to move into it! So after two weeks of looking we found the perfect house, and one month later it was ours! By the time we moved in I was seven months pregnant.

It wasn't long before we began to decorate. And when I say "we" I mean Sean. He showed me a side of him that I had not been given the opportunity to see before. He was suddenly "Bobby Trendy" floating around the house talking about shapes, color schemes, patterns, and knickknacks. He said, "Angela, leave it to me, I have a better eye then you. I've seen how you kept your room at your parents house."

(Bitch!) However, he did have a point. My room still had my high school pompoms and troll dolls on display. So I let him do his his thing. His totally masculine/heterosexual thing.

Suddenly the price of everything was the most important aspect of the whole process. Most husbands would appreciate when his wife buys things on sale or at a discount store, not my husband. When I brought home a beautiful painting from Ross, he said, "Absolutely not. Our home is going to be filled with quality stuff." So I exchanged it for another painting and told him it cost $500. It's now hanging proudly in our loft.

Pottery Barn has become our second home. I think I owe them my first born son (we are still working out the deal). They know my husband by name, and me by the girl who secretly photographs their displays and darts off to Home Goods to replicate them.

To conclude, my house is faaaabulous, and I have my macho man hubby to thank! Love you hunny!!! kiss kiss!

Who would doubt his style?

This is how I decorate

Hi parents! Surprise!

He's got such style

She needs wiggle room!

Make sure you have space for my giant toys!

Let's renovate!

Does this outfit make me look fat?

Gender confusion

Mystical

He's got such flare!

Planet Yoga

Since giving birth to my daughter five months ago, I have been engaged in a struggle to lose the baby weight. During pregnancy, I gained a total of 26 pounds. To my surprise, I only lost seven of those pounds after the birth! That's right, seven!! My baby was 6 lbs 13 oz, so apparently the placenta, amniotic fluid and extra water weight all add up to a whopping 3 ounces. That doesn't seem right you say? Well tell that to my scale! I tried to blame it on the milk but that logic made even less sense. Not even Dolly Parton has 19 pounds in her bra. So I entered a state of denial and decided the weight would fall off by itself. After all, it built up by itself...right???

To my dismay, my plan of doing nothing didn't work. 90 days post birth I was still 12 pounds too heavy. After accusing my doctor of forgetting to deliver my 12 pound placenta, I decided to get off  my big booty and figure out a fitness plan.

I live a hop skip and a jump away from Yoga Works, so I decided to join. My first impression of 'yoga people' is that they are different. They walk different, they talk different, they look different...THEY ARE NOT OF THIS WORLD. They are from a much cleaner, softer, breathier, and calmer place. I liked this place, I liked them. I wanted to acclimate myself to this peaceful environment and fool them into thinking I belonged there too.

So I watched and learned. They speak in a soft and peaceful manner with their eyes half shut and their chests perched out as if to not fully release their breath until the very last moment possible (Oxygen is very rare on their planet). When they walk they have a grand stride, where they minimize the bend in their knees and shrug their shoulders back while delicately floating across the floor. When they stretch they are able to dislocate all joints and even snap their spine in two all while savoring each and every precious breath together in harmony.

This is equivalent to shaking hands

Did I mention the breathing? These aliens looooove to breathe. They inhale very loudly through their nose for an inexplicable amount of time then proceed to moan in a chanting octave for approximately 27.6 minutes until they finally run out of breath. The leader always goes the longest (I believe they call this a hum).

Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I am proud to say that I am now a citizen of the planet Yoga. When I enter the world that is Yoga Works I immediately transform into a native. I suddenly stand taller, I walk with more grace, and I speak in a breathy (yet sexy) tone only known to those like me. My body now positions itself into pretzel like poses and I feel the harshness of the world disappear with each breath I take in. The best part: I am 2 pounds away from my goal! Thank you to my new alien friends! ET phone home!

This is how they sleep

Namaste (/ˈnɑːməsteɪ/nah-məs-tay; Hindi: [nəməsteː] ( listen); Devanagari: नमस्ते; formal: Namaskar/Namaskaram) is a common spokenvalediction or salutation originating from the Indian subcontinent. It is a customary greeting when individuals meet, and a valediction upon their parting. A non-contact form of salutation is traditionally preferred in India and Namaste is the most common form of such a salutation.

Driving makes people mean

I am a woman driver. Why is it that when I make that very statement people assume I am a bad driver? I am in fact a magnificent driver. I haven't had a ticket since I was 19 and I've never had an accident. (Besides the time that my car rolled down a hill then up a curb and crashed itself into a tree. That was not really my fault since I just innocently forgot to set the parking brake)

My husband is a male driver. He likes to pride himself as having mastered the art of driving precision. The other night while we were out and about I realized he was driving a little too erratically for my comfort level. When my imaginary passenger side brakes failed me, I politely requested that he should slow down. He then snapped back with, "Listen woman, I am a trained pilot. I have supreme awareness of my entire surrounding. I could state the make and model of each car on this road and anticipate their next move. You should feel privileged to be driven by me."

My jaw was sitting in my lap. Did I marry a delusional Maverick wannabe? Did our Ford Edge just transform into a fighter Jet? My mind instantly shot back to when we first met and he played Top Gun for me the first time. He knew every line in that movie. Why didn't I see the red flag?

Ready for takeoff

Anyway, we made it safely to our destination, the grocery store. The place where everyday people are pushing around large carts through narrow aisles while looking every direction but forward. Needless to say, lots of little cart crashes and accidental ankle bumps occur during every visit. Yet people (my husband) are so polite after a crash or near crash. "Oh pardon me, haha, I am so clumsy with this thing! Excuse my reach while I grab the fresh milk in back." Then these same silly lovable clumsy people (my husband) pack their cars up with groceries and take off.

He began driving us out of the parking lot and we were suddenly in the Jet again. While waiting  to turn left for what he decided was too long, he slammed the gas pedal and took off. He didn't properly gauge the torque of the Edge and ended up completely cutting off some poor guy. He realized that the guy swerved to get around the stupid car that had just cut him off (us) and then my husband lost his mind. He rolled down his window and proceeded to flip the guy off and yell an obscene comment at him. The guy was so confused yelling back at us trying to simultaneously defend his innocence and cuss us out at the same time. I was baffled. What on earth is wrong with my husband? I called him a looney tune in as many ways possible until we pulled up to our house. He got out, began to unpack the car and looked over at me with puppy eyes, "You know what, I just ruined that guys night for no reason at all. I feel terrible, it was completely my fault."

Conclusion: Driving makes people (my husband) mean

With a face like that, all is forgiven

Til we meet again, Maverick

Lucy is Enciente

I have always felt a strong connection with Lucy Ricardo in the worlds first sitcom 'I Love Lucy'. I remember when I was a little girl I'd wake up at 5 am just to catch the early bird reruns of Lucy before getting ready for school. She captivated me. Here I am 20 years later and I swear I've seen every episode 50 times. I could recite the script of any episode along with the actors. I've thought about getting therapy or maybe a lobectomy to treat me of my impulsive obsession, but then I thought, who would want to live in a world without I Love Lucy? I am an eighty year old woman at heart.

The two most famous episodes of all time are Vitameatavegamin and The Chocolate Factory. Both are great, but they certainly aren't my favorite. I found that the episodes that played up their real life love were the best. What made the series so wonderful was the chemistry those two shared in real life came out on camera as well. When she became pregnant they were both terrified to break the news to the producers fearing they would halt production. Instead they actually wrote the pregnancy into the story line of the season. This allowed us all to experience along with them such a joyous event in their marriage. When she was five months along the best episode in the world was filmed, Lucy is Enciente.

What's interesting is that in those days the word pregnant was not allowed to be said on air. They used the term expecting, and even said, "infanticipating". Heck, they even slept in separate beds! Every script during this time was looked over and approved by a priest, a rabbi and a minister. No that's not a preface to a bad joke!

Lucy is Enciente began with Lucy discovering she was indeed pregnant and had to break the news to Ricky. She tried to tell him in a loving way over a cozy lunch at home, but Ricky was so distracted with stresses at work that she was unable to get the news out. She then decided to go to the club and tell him, only to be put on the spot in front of all of Ricky's band members. He loudly quieted the set stating, "Shhhh shhh everybody quiet down. My wife came all the way here to tell me something, that's the only thing that counts right now! What is it Honey?" She burst into tears and asked, "Do you have the time?" Oh so perfect.

After failing twice to break the big news she decided to surprise him during his show. When Ricky discovered it was Lucy who was expecting, his true emotions came through. He flubbed the words to rock a bye baby and began tearing up during the "Baby Song" he sang to Lucy. The scene was supposed to be both of them laughing and jumping for joy when instead it turned into a touching moment filled with real tears from both of them. I cry every time I watch this episode (and I watched it a million times while I was pregnant) and I secretly mourn their dissolved marriage all over again. I mean how could these two split? They were made for each other! Anyway I digress...

Remembering 911

Every year around this time I get very emotional. Too many people lost their lives as a result of that fateful day 11 years ago. I always think back to where I was when I heard the shattering news. I was a senior in high school and I happened to accidently sleep in that day. When I was finished getting dressed I walked into the living room and saw my dad covering his mouth with his eyes fixed on the TV. I rushed over to see what he was watching and he said, "Something horrible just happened, planes crashed into the Trade Center and the Pentagon." I didn't understand what was going on, all I remember was my heart was beating out of my chest.

I went to school and most of the classes consisted of everyone just watching the news silently. One instructor made a tearful statement at the beginning of his class saying, "I can't imagine how many people just like you and I showed up to work this morning and won't ever be returning home. May God help us on this dark day." We had a period of silence filled with sniffles. Everyone was in complete shock.

My next class was held a bit differently. I'll never forget the arrogant jerk of an instructor who made a statement of his own, "I'm not going to let the current events taking place to interrupt my class. I have a schedule to attend to and today is like no other day." Almost immediately half of the class arose and walked out. He threatened to suspend us, but no one flinched. We were just 17 years old and we felt the pulse of the situation. Our Country had been invaded and attacked. People were STILL suffering and dying that very moment, and he expected us to sit through a humanities lecture. If you ask me he needed a lecture on compassion for humankind. Such an ass wad clown faced troll of a loser. I hope he reads this.

Let today be a day where we honor those who lost their lives or loved ones as a result. Our troops have been brave and strong and we've lost too many from the war that was stirred up soon after. I will say a prayer for my fellow Americans to remain united, despite the drift that an election year always seems to bring. We need to set aside our differences and hold true to the American dream that those bastards tried to shatter 11 years ago. We are the United States, let's remain UNITED!

Now go and kiss your families!

Land of the Free

Home of the Brave

Baffling Facts

It's midnight and my family is asleep. Me, I worked last night so I am wide awake and ready to get up and go! Then I thought, go where? CVS? They are open right? Hmm, I do need some floss and nail polish remover. Maybe I'll sneak out and run some errands. Yep, me and meth heads. We will all be at CVS suspiciously peering at one another peeking in each others baskets looking for evidence of serial killing supplies. Maybe I'll just stay home.

My husband made mention that so far in my blogs I may be coming off as a bit of a, well, I think he said ditz? He may have used that word, but I doubt it. He is such a loving and sweet man he'd never say that. Yes, yes he did. So in order to either send a new message, or to prove him right, I decided to write up a list of Baffling Facts about yours truly.

1. I am left handed, but I punch with my right arm 
2. I have a Television Production degree 
3. I won $100 in a mechanical bull riding contest
4. I have never once smoked a cigarette
5. I told Sean to "call me for a good time" when I first met him
6. My middle name is Louise
7. My high school nickname was Minnie Mouse
8. I am scared to death and beyond by Bees
9. I am obsessed with all of the Bravo "Housewives" shows
10. Annnnd I played Martin Luther King Jr. in a 5th grade play

Mice everywhere!

Attacked by a bee during my bff's wedding!

Makin that money!

We're practically twins

Baking Blogger?

Reasons why I am not a baker. Let me rephrase that to why I am not a good baker.

1. To be a good baker you must have a perfectionist outlook. Baking is an exact science. No eyeballing, no a little of this a little of that. NOPE. Baked goods must be conducted perfectly according to the recipe that an ancient wizard discovered in the year 14 A.D.

2. You must allow for the time it takes to make the treats beautiful. This means you have to tend to each cookie/cupcake/donut with personalized TLC. You cannot be in a rush (I am ALWAYS rushing trying to finish whatever I am doing in between baby's naps or playtime.) No one will buy your goods at a bake sale if they look like mine.

3. You have to have a nicely manicured kitchen with all of the bells and whistles. I have a Cuisinart mixer and that's about it. Every time I bake I end up using a butter knife to frost, a salad bowl to mix, and a cheese platter to display my treats. It's shameful and I should be arrested. Some day I dream of becoming the Cleaver mom, but not today!

Just because I am not a good baker doesn't mean I don't try. There was a time when I made Banana cream pies for my family members on their birthdays. One came out salty as the ocean and another came out soupy. All because of one tiny mistake in the wizardly recipe. Needless to say no one requests my pies anymore for their birthday!

HOWEVER, I do have a raaaaaging sweet tooth. Yesterday I required a Sprinkles red velvet cupcake or die. Well, the only Sprinkles bakery is in Beverly Hills (that I know about). So, I decided to look up the recipe and try and bake the cupcakes my self. After much research, I came across a website where a woman had the same craving as me and she took it upon herself to recreate the recipe. After 12 attempts she stated that she had indeed replicated the recipe and I took her word as gold. After all, we do have a lot in common (cupcake cravings) so I went at it and baked me some cupcakes!

So they aren't beautiful. Something happened when making the frosting, it didn't lighten up quite right. Maybe my ingredients weren't cold enough? I don't know, but let me just say, they were DELISH! Almost exactly like the real thing! And a whole heck of a lot cheaper than Sprinkles. I posted the recipe below.

This little bouncing bundle of joy is why I could not designate my full attention to the cupcakes. She is too stinking cute!

Kelly’s Copycat Sprinkles Red Velvet Cupcake Recipe

Makes 24 large, or 30 medium cupcakes

• 2 1/4 cups flour (I use all-purpose)
• 1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup butter, softened
• 2 1/4 cups sugar
• 4 eggs
• 1 cup sour cream
• 1/2 cup buttermilk (or milk with 2 teaspoons lemon juice)
• 1 ounce red food coloring** (okay, that is a lot of red food coloring!) It doesn’t change the taste, so I only use 1 teaspoon unless the red color is really important to me.
• 4 teaspoons Pure Vanilla Extract

Cream Cheese Frosting (This has been revised to show the cream cheese and butter cold, resulting in a less runny frosting.) If you want the piled high frosting, like the picture, make 1 1/2 the recipe of frosting and pipe it on with a piping bag or ziploc bag (do not try to spread it with a knife).

• 1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, cold
• 1/4 cup butter, cold
• 2 tablespoons sour cream
• 2 teaspoons Pure Vanilla Extract
• 16 ounces confectioners’ sugar

DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Mix flour, cocoa powder, baking soda and salt in medium bowl. Set aside.
2. Beat butter and sugar in large bowl with electric mixer on medium speed 5 minutes or until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs, one at a time. Mix in sour cream, milk, food color and vanilla. Gradually beat in flour mixture on low speed until just blended. Do not overbeat. Spoon batter into 24 paper-lined muffin cups, filling each cup 2/3 full.
3. Bake 18 to 22 minutes or until toothpick inserted into cupcake comes out clean. Gently remove from oven (these are super-moist, and will collapse if you aren’t careful). Cool in pans on wire rack at least 5 minutes. Remove from pans; cool completely. Frost with Cream Cheese Frosting. (Do not frost until totally cooled, or the frosting will slide off!)
4. Vanilla Cream Cheese Frosting: With a high powered mixer (stand up mixer if you have one) beat cold cream cheese, butter, sour cream and Pure Vanilla Extract in large bowl until light and fluffy. Scrape bowl, and beat again. Gradually beat in confectioners’ sugar until smooth. Once smooth, turn beaters to high (I use my Kitchenaid) and whip on high for 5 minutes, until very fluffy. I am frequently asked how I get the piled high frosting. I do this with a piping bag, or a Ziploc bag with a 1 inch hole cut out of the corner will work perfectly. I always pipe the frosting on, instead of spreading it with a knife. That is how I get the tall pile of frosting. IF you do want the tall pile, I recommend doing 1 1/2 the recipe for frosting, to make sure you have enough.
5. Frost the cupcakes generously, and serve at room temperature! If you make these, I hope you will drop me a comment and let me know how they turned out!
6. In response to the comments who have had trouble with the frosting…These are the exact proportions I use. I do not add more sugar, or it will be very sweet, but it is important that the cream cheese and sour cream are cold. If the frosting is too runny, I recommend putting the frosting in the refrigerator for 20 minutes before piping it on. Also, your cupcakes MUST be totally cooled. The frosting may seem a little too moist at first, but if you can get it to form a pile, and leave the cupcake uncovered for 1 hour or so, it will form a slightly dry crust (not a bad crust, I promise), so it won’t seem so gooey.

Baffling Magic

My name is Angela. I am a wife, a mother, a nurse, and... wait for it....a magician! Well, not exactly. But I will explain. Ever since I was a little girl I was baffled by magic. I loved everything about it. The costumes, the wands, the animals, the stage. It was a production that blew my mind right before my eyes! My parents took me to see Lance Burton in Las Vegas when I was a little girl and I never forgot that day. I left with my head spinning trying to figure out how this wondrous man could possibly cut a woman in half! He did! He took a saw and sliced that leggy lady in two...I witnessed a murder! Then, somehow, she managed to put herself right back together again. I about died with delight. I was a small person with bulging eyes and a dream. I didn't want to be the beautiful leggy lady in the sparkling outfit. I wanted to be HIM! But sadly, I didn't become Lance Burton. Nope, not even close. I grew up, went to school, got a job, married a cute boy, had a baby girl and moved to suburbia. No doves, no white gloves, no wands. Just a plain magic-less life.

THEN, one day not long ago, I was reminded of a talent I learned in fifth grade...I can juggle! My husband and I were home sitting around doing nothing (you know, living the suburban dream) when my eyes fixed on a ceramic bowl filled with fake decorative apples. Huh, I thought. These apples are so useless just sitting there. I'd bet I could make them serve another purpose. So, I picked up three of them and tossed them in the air one by one and HOLY COW! My hibernating talent resting dormant for 16 years arose with a thunderous bang! I was amazing, nothing could stop me! I should have charged my husband for the show because it was that good! There I was in lavender pajamas gracefully prancing around the living room catching and throwing green apples while simultaneously squealing in delight. I felt the thrill again! It was then and there that I decided to bring magic back into my life!

Here is my favorite card trick of all time. It never fails to amaze and is super easy. I performed it for a real magician at a winery once (long story as to how that came about) and he applauded out loud for all to see!

Ace Party!

EFFECT: With the spectator's help, you make four piles of cards. When this is done you flip over all the piles and all four Aces are there.

Preperation: Arrange the deck like so: three Aces on the bottom and one on the top.
Presentation:
Ask the spectator to tell you when to stop putting down cards. Begin dealing cards face down on the table. Continue until they have you stop. After the first pile is down, stick the card deck, still in your hand, under the table and put the bottom card on top. This gives you an Ace on the top. Repeat the above steps until you have four piles. Then flip over all the piles to show an Ace on the bottom of each!

Check out this link to see some of the best magic tricks of all time! Love love love me some David Copperfield!
http://www.oddee.com/item_97015.aspx